On Weight and Clutter - Lifting the Heaviness of Being Home Bound

Yes I have some diagnoses in the body that I live in which often have me home bound.   And I often need extra sleep in the daytime.  There are needed health treatments that I can only  give myself in my home.  And this makes looking at the clutter even more oppressive and heavy.  Now, as I ponder again, I realize that I am making this more difficult for myself by lacking grace and a compassionate perspective.

I am an extrovert by nature, so staying home all of the time by myself is not my cup of tea.  I get energy by being around people.  And when I am feeling my best, I look around at my apartment's current state and see that I don't want to be here at all.  Even to enjoy some of my quiet endeavors like reading.  So perhaps, at times, some of my "needed" sleep is really a way of escaping the clutter which really only makes the load heavier.  So how do I get out of this loop?

I believe I need to structure more outings in my life (besides doctor and chiropractor appointments, that is).  I sometimes have not  allowed myself to get out when I feel guilt over the state of my household.  And the consequence?  More fatigue, and more clutter. I know now that for me getting out some will open a space of grace to cope with the clutter.  And most of all, dealing with the clutter, one piece at a time will open up the space so that I can get out and have more people in.

So I am going to schedule a couple of hours a week volunteering at my church.  I am going to schedule a lunch or dinner outing at least once a week.  And church choir starts back this week too.  I'm going to join a local business association and actually attend some of their events each month.  I am not going to overload my calendar.  Just add a few tidbits of socializing and joy to my life.

Meanwhile, I will continue to  fighting the good fight at home one piece of paper or bag of clothes at a time to rid my life of this weight and clutter for good.

And that's Penny's two cents.

On Weight and Clutter - The Heaviness of Pain

Oops, there it is.... that old "friend" of mine - pain.  Reared it's head again. Roared loud to see if I was paying attention.  And the good of it?   For me it keeps me on a path of amazing grace to Self that allows me to have that grace for others.

Why does pain empower my ability to have grace for my Self?  Because I must allow myself to be okay with the knowing that I am doing my best when others are not so kind in their opinions of me.  I have to be willing to stand alone with God and be okay if no one else believes that my struggle is severe.  My value is from just my be-ing.  Not from what I do or accomplish.  Actions and accomplishments that are most fruitful come from an enormous sense of grace and be-ing my true higher self.

So this pain is reminding me what my journey is all about.  As compassion to Self and others becomes ingrained, I will no longer need pain as a reminder.  Then healing comes.  I know this and have hope.  This hope lightens the heaviness that pain brings over me.

And in spite of this pain, over the past four weeks, I've gotten five bags of "good will" items out of the house, bought a car, got my daughter ready for the school year, and set my body free of six of the extra pounds that have been encumbering it.  Little things but important things.  So I will continue to plod on with doing what I can in the moment even when it is less than my "to do" list has on it for the day.  Mountains are moved by the little things.  So I will persist.

And that's Penny's Two Cents.

It's Not Me - It's A Programming Problem

A few weeks back I had an interesting experience while in the waiting room at the Social Security Office. A woman sat next to me who I believe mistakenly assumed I had a Psychiatry 5 Cents Sign above my head, like  Lucy of the Peanuts.  No, she did not pay me. But the lesson that reinserted itself into my life from her story was priceless.

My recollection of what this woman told me about her situation(s) is not taking a writer's liberty to exaggerate a bit for impact.  This is was exactly  what she claimed.  The brunette middle aged woman told me that she could not work and could not provide for her son and that no one would help her.  After fighting Social Security for disability myself for 7 years, this wasn't surprising to me.

Then as she proceeded to talk to me, her story made a big fish story seem like God's truth.  The woman claimed that she had been diagnosed with cancer. Then she said she was injured at work.  She stated that when she was injured, co-workers walked by her fallen body and would not help her.  She further asserted that none of the workman's compensation doctors in our city would look at her.  She claimed to have been at every hospital in town for her issue.  This woman also said that the company she worked for when she was injured tried to cover up her injury.  She said that this company had sent people to try and kill her and had set her home on fire. And that the police would not pursue the crime because of the influence of this company. She also alleged that an attorney who was supposed to be helping her stole $300,000 from her.  Oh,  and the woman claimed that she had approached all of the news stations and they would not cover her story.  Believe it or not there were more allegations, but I want to keep it short and to the point (chuckle).

As I sat there, rather amused.  It was one of the most ridiculous conspiracy stories I had ever heard out of someone's mouth.  And I then thought to myself that even if this isn't true this woman is making herself frightened and miserable just by thinking and talking about these made-up tragedies.  She is programming her life for disaster by repeating these false stories..  That's when I had an "A-Ha" moment.  Perhaps, I, too, create suffering in my life when  I think and speak about my circumstances  from a negative position.  Even if they are "true".

So I again am changing my language in my thoughts and words.  I am no longer going to say that I am disabled or living on disability.  If someone asks what I do for a living I will tell them I write and mention some of my voluntary activities.  They don't need to know that my check comes from social security.  If a person asks how I am feeling, I am going to say "Great, but need a little rest"  instead of saying I am tired.  When I am doing activities recommended by my doctor I am going to tell myself this is what I am doing to keep my body in good health instead of agonizing and thinking I am doing this because I am ill.  I am changing the my story and my programming.  And making myself happier by doing so.

As far as the woman, I left her sitting there when my number was called to repeat her story to another.  I didn't bother to tell her that it would be easy for her to be awarded disability for  schizophrenia.

And that's Penny's Two Cents.

On Weight and Clutter - RE-Boot Camp

To tackle my personal nemesis of weight and clutter, I am taking myself to  boot camp.  (I am a US Navy veteran, after all).  This is not going to be like one of those intense "kill-myself" extreme exercise drop 5 sizes in 3 weeks programs.  And my attack on the clutter is not going to be like an episode of "Clean House" or "Extreme Clutter" where everything magically disappears over the course of a few days.  My plan of attack is RE-Boot Camp.

What is RE-Boot Camp?  It is Realistic Expectation Boot Camp.  The body I live in currently has limits that won't be overcome in a few weeks.  Period.  Am I helpless?  No.  Can I conquer this mountain of weight and clutter in my current condition?  Yes.  And it will take time.  And consistency.   And most of all it will take being loving enough to my Self to have reasonable expectations based on my circumstances in the Now.

A more recent diagnosis of the body I live in has made it difficult for me to go for the long walks I was enjoying previously on a daily basis.  And I can't walk at all in temperatures much above 80 degrees at this time without having hard-hitting symptoms manifest in my body.   Which means my dear dog-child, Oreo isn't getting enough exercise.  And we are apartment dwellers, so I can't let him run in a back yard while I look on.  He is suffering.  He is restless.  My Realistic Expectation in the NOW is that I am not able to give my dog the care he needs.  Could I get better in the future?  Of course!!  Yet, right now is what I need to concentrate on instead of flooding my brain with a myriad of potentialities based on "what ifs".

So one of the first things to do in my RE-boot Camp is find a new adoptive home for my loving dog, Oreo.  I trust that God and the Universe will find the right home.   Realistic expectations means letting go of what is not working in the now.  This is tough.  This isn't pretty.  Bittersweet and sad.
Yet, I know it is best for all concerned.   I'm ready to do the hard stuff.  Are YOU ready?

On Weight and Clutter - Living Lightly

I had an "A-Ha moment" this week when I knew that EVERYONE has baggage.  The thing  for me is that my suitcases are too full.  Result:  Unwanted weight and clutter.  A big part of this is that I dread the mundane tasks in life.  I have seen them as additions to the weight in my baggage,  as an insurmountable list of things I MUST do.  Yet the irony is that not getting to these actions is causing the heaviness in my life.

So, I have been exerting a lot of energy in dread of what I "need' to do.  This makes me less productive, even though the constant thinking in my brain deludes me into believing I am getting things done.  Then there is less energy to tackle my life optimally.  Less gets accomplished.  Some piles get bigger.  And I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and emanate it in my hips and thighs.

What now?  I am no longer going to label these things in life as chores or tasks or mandates.   They are actions that lighten my baggage, so that I can follow my dreams and live lightly.   Let the games begin!  I'm excited - Are you?

I'm Ba-ack and What Next

Actually I never really left.  It's complicated.  There's a new medical diagnosis.  It's not always pretty and not always clever.  But beautiful at the same time.  And what is the picture on my left?   I went into a rampage at the state of my "plastic container" cupboard  and after I had picked most of the mess up it occurred to me that I should be taking a picture.  Afterall, it's part of my next project and the tough remnants that need to be purged from  my life to be the best Penny I can be.  Over the next 18 months, I will be giving you a very personal view of my journey via my blog and forthcoming website:  weightandclutter.com.  I'm excited.  And as for my cupboard, it is now organized.  Yet getting things done out of anger is a non-sustainable energy and is not who I aspire to be.  So stay posted for the grit and skinny of the matter.