How many of us heard, "Don't cry or I'll give you something to cry about" when we were children? And we accepted this as meaning that it was wrong and dangerous for us to cry. Why does a child cry anyway? It could be sadness, anger, fear, discomfort or pain. Sometimes crying children have needs that they are counting on a parent to meet. Sometimes they just need to express their feelings and cry it out. Crying itself is not a misbehavior. Yet many of us were indoctrinated into believing there was something wrong with crying or expressing any "negative" emotion.
Why does this matter? It seems that most unhealthy behaviors are activated by attempting to subdue one's feelings or acting inappropriately to release feelings that a person has never learned to manage. An emotion itself is not an action. A person can experience the sensation of sadness, anger, or fear and not act in a way that is a violation of another person's boundary. The irony is that when a parent does not allow the child to express their feelings, they are reinforcing the notion that the child's boundaries do not matter. And if a child isn't allowed to develop their own boundaries, then it is difficult for them to respect the boundaries of others.
What can an adult person do to remedy this conditioning? First of all, pay attention to your actions. Are you yelling at or insulting your loved ones? Are you grabbing for that extra cookie, drink, or cigarette? Are you overwhelmed in a depth of depression? Take a time out for yourself to really feel your feelings. Perhaps journal to get a perspective behind the true feelings. If you are hurt or sad allow yourself to cry. Take a bath.
Next try deep breathing. Extend the deep breathing to full meditation. Meditation has been shown to increase the size of the hippocampus. An increase in the hippocampus allows the cerebral cortex (the logical brain) to take command of the limbic system (feeling brain). Thus the result is that one can feel his or her feelings and have self control.
My teen daughter was crying the other day. I asked her if there was anything I could do. She said "no" and asked that I leave her alone. I respected her wishes and let her cry, without trying to "fix" her situation. This has not always been my practice. And as for myself, it is time to allow myself to feel my feelings in their full glory. And not try to "fix it" by subduing my feelings with toxic behaviors.
In this season of my life, it is a time to feel.
And that's Penny's two cents.
So what about your two cents? Do you believe it is ok to chastise children for crying? How do you manage your feelings? Please do comment!
Some references:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3705194/
http://www.amazon.com/The-Conscious-Parent-Transforming-Empowering/dp/1897238452
http://www.living-consciousness.com/
Thank you, Penny for this post.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I try to respond instead of reacting. It's a day to day task that I work on. I try to keep breathing evenly, because in times of upset and crisis, I find if I either don't breath or take short breaths that works against my physical body.
Personally, I've always felt comfortable crying anywhere and everywhere. I guess I've made a lot of other people uncomfortable, but I don't feeling awkward, and I certainly wasn't put out by another's tears or emotions. That's my 2 cents. :-) Cindy